FAILURE

Failure is so common human experience that what distinguishes us from one another is not that we fail but rather how we respond when we do. Failure can make us perceive our goals as being out of reach, causing us to give up too quickly. Some of us feel demoralized by failure that we become frozen, passive and helpless. Some of us fail but keep trying until we succeed and some of us become so stressed and self conscious that we can not think straight.
Eventhough, failure can damage us to an extent, those who respond to failure in the most unproductive and damaging ways can learn to employ more favourable and psychologically healthy coping styles

The Psychological Wounds Failure Inflicts
Many of our failures cause unnecessary psychological damage, the implications of which can harm our emotional well - being far beyond the impact of the original incident.

Failure inflict three specific psychological wounds that require emotional first aid.

1. Honey, I shrunk My Self-Esteem : Why Our Goals Seem bigger and We Feel Smaller
Failure can make our goal seem literally more difficult and more imposing than it had appeared previously. Failure can induce us to reel less intelligent, less attractive, less capable, less skillful and less competent - all of which have a hugely negative impact on our confidence and on the out of our future efforts. Failure has even greater impact on our self-esteem. Many of us react to failure by thinking or voicing incredibly damaging thoughts like: "I'm a loser," "I can't do anything right," "I'm just not smart enough"or similar assassinations.
Too often we allow ourselves to indulge in them, utter them aloud and give validity to them. Criticizing out attributes makes us hypersensitive to future failures.

Why New Year Resolutions Often Nudge Out Self-Esteem in the Wrong Direction
Every New Year we list our resolutions with hopes of improving our lives and feeling better about ourselves, only to abandon our efforts entirely by February (and often by January 2). As a result, instead of our self-esteem being strengthened by our accomplishments, we're left feeling weakened by failure and disappointment, which we quickly attribute to a lack of motivation or ability. We tell ourselves, "I guess I do not want to change," or "I'm just too lazy to do anything," and feel even worse about ourselves than we did on December 31.
What makes such conclusions unfortunate as well as inaccurate is that the primary reason we complete so few of our resolutions is because we neglect to think through how we plan to achieve them. We rarely plan to plan to deal with obstacles, hurdles and setbacks that might arise along the way and we are then ill-equipped to deal with them when they do.

2. Passivity and Helplessness: Why Not Only Mimes Get Trapped
INSIDE INVISIBLE BOXES
Failures sap our confidence, our motivation and our hope. What we neglect to take into consideration when the sting of failure is still fresh and our self-esteem is still bruised is that the very assumptions and perceptions that form the basis of our impulse to "surrender" are fundamentally incorrect. Failure can be very persuasive. The fact that our own surrender bas brought about the very outcome we feared eludes us, as does the fact that our pessimism has blinded us to the options and possibilities that do exist.

3. Performance Pressure: What to Expect When Expecting to Fail
When we fail in task where our expectations for success are low, the psychological wounds failure inflicts are relatively minor. Performance pressure can be useful in small doses but it becomes extremely unproductive in larger ones, as it can foster test anxiety, a feat of failure, and the risk of choking. One of the reasons test anxiety is so common it that it is easy to trigger. Even one episode of heightened anxiety is sufficient for us to feel intensely anxious when facing a similar situation in future. One of the more insidious but lesser known manifestations of test anxiety occurs when we are reminded of negative stereotypes about our gender, race, ethnicity or other group. This is known as stereotype threat. When girls take math tests without boys present, they do substantially better than when taking the test with boys. Even driving a car, girls do better when driving without the observation of boys. Even in twenty-first century, the presence of boys can subtly remind girls of the stereotypical yet false belief that men are innately better at math and driving than women.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR OF FAILURE ITSELF
For some of us, failure is associated not just with disappointment and frustration but with far more damaging feelings, such as embarrassment and shame. As a result, the prospect of failing can be so intimidating that we make unconscious efforts to lower expectations for our success. While lowering expectations might seem like a reasonable approach, the way we go about doing so can result in our unwillingly sabotaging ourselves and bringing about the very outcome we fear. Many of us procrastinate and "run out of time" to study before an important test. If we do well despite this setback we have added bonus of giving ourselves extra credit for succeeding when the odds were against us.

FEAR OF FAILURE IN FAMILIES
In the vast majority of situations, parents are entirely unaware they might be impacting their child so negatively. Most parents view their children as extensions of themselves as well as products of their parenting skills, so that when children fail, parents' own feelings of shame get triggered. They might then respond to their child's failure bh withdrawing from them both subtly (e.g. with their tone of voice or body language) or overtly (e.g. expressing disapproval or anger). Children pick up on their parents' withdrawal, which triggers their own feelings of shame and teaches them that failures should be both feared and avoided.

CHOKING UNDER THE INFLUENCE
Choking tends to happen because the stress we feel in high-pressure situations makes us overthink tasks and draw attention away from the part of our brain that executes the task automatically. Most of us are most likely to spill the water when we are trying not to than we are not thinking about spilling. The greater the pressure of the situation, the more likely we are to overanalyze our actions and interfere with a smooth execution of a task we have performed or rehearsed hundreds of times. While we all make errors, choking usually occurs when the stakes are extremely high.



HOW TO TREAT THE PSYCHOLOGICAL WOUNDS FAILURE INFLICTS
Failures are often painful but not all of them warrant emotional first aid. When we repeatedly or when we respond to failures in ways that set back our confidence, our self esteem, and our chances of future success, we run the risk of allowing our emotional chest cold to turn into psychological pneumonia.


Failure inflicts three kinds of psychological wounds. They damage our confidence and self esteem and make our goals seem further out of reach. They distort our perceptions, make us feel hopeless about succeeding and compel us to give up or stop trying.

TREATMENT A: GET SUPPORT AND GET REAL
The most effective way to treat psychological wounds failure inflicts is to find the positive lessons in what happened. receiving concern and emotional support when we are still reeling from a failure can actually validate our (mis)perceptions about the deficits and shortcomings in our character and abilities.

EXERCISE TO FACILITATE LEARNING FROM FAILURE 
The following writing excercise will help you identify what you can gain from the failure. Apply each of these lessons to your own situation.
1.) Failure is a great teacher. Failure always tells us something about what we need to change in our preparation or execution of the task. What should you do differently next time?
2.) Failure provides new opportunities. What opportunities might your failure possibly present?
3.) Failure can make us stronger. We all get demoralize when we fail. But bouncing back from our failure and learning from our experience will always make us stronger and more likely to succeed in future.

In what wats might your failure make you stronger?
• Some failures are also successes. Sure, it is disappointing we did not get the job offer after so many rounds of interviews but surely we should feel encouraged about being among the top applicants.
• Failure makes future success more meaningful. Studies show that the harder we work, the more failures and challenges we overcome, the greater the meaning , joy and satisfaction we derive when we eventually succeed.

The more we fail, the greater the impact our eventual success will have on our mood, self-esteem and confidence.

1. Success is not always necessary. In most situations, making steady process towards our goals contributes more toward our sustained happiness and self-fulfillment than actually reaching them. The satisfaction, excitement, sense of pride and personal accomplishment we feel by inching ever close to our target combine to create a heady mix of satisfaction and joy that does wonders for our mood, motivation and psychological well being.



TREATMENT B: Focus on Factors in Your Control
Failing can make us feel trapped and helpless, as though events are out of our control and we are doomed to fail. Once we believe nothing we do can bring about a different outcome, we tend to give up or make only feeble efforts. The tragedy of failure is that many of the assumptions and perceptions that lead us to draw incapacitating conclusions about our lack of control are actually false. Further, scientists have repeatedly demonstrated that changing our perspective and focussing on aspects of the situation that we in our control can have a hugely beneficial impact on our hope, motivation and self-esteem.

EXERCISE FOR GAINING CONTROL OF OUR GOAL PLANNING
1.) Define your goal in as realistic and specific terms as possible.
Keep in mind : Formulate clear and measurable objective. For example, "get into shape for summer" is realistic but not specific.
• Breakdown the goals into intermediate steps
Keep in mind: How we break down our long-term goals into smaller intermediate steps can have a huge and crucial impact on our motivation.
• Set time frames for the overall and intermediate goals.
Keep in mind: It is best to go through intermediate goals on your list and indicate two time frames for each, a starting date/hour and a completion date/hour. Objective deadline might make it necessary to create a time frame for our larger goal first and then assign time frames to each of the intermediate goals accordingly.
• List any potential detours, setbacks or temptations that might arise
Keep in mind: For example : If our goal is to minimize drinking and adopt moderation we might anticipate the need to strategize what to do during holiday parties at work.
• List the possible solution for each of the above detours, setbacks or temptations.
Keep in mind: Anticipating problems and planning solutions to them ahead of time is crucial for avoiding discouragement and maintaining motivation and morale when difficulties arise.


REEXAMINING OUT EXECUTION OF THE TASK
Not all failures are due to faulty planning. We also need to identify ways for gaining control of how we execute the task.
EXERCISE FOR GAINING CONTROL OF OUR TASK EXECUTION
The goal in this writing exercise is to identify factors that contributed to the failure and that are in your control and to determine how to address these factors when making future efforts.
1.) Describe the failure in question. Make sure it is single incident of failure.
2.) List all factors that contributed to your failure.
3.) Identify which of the factors are in your control and which are not.
4.) Go through each factor you listed as being outside your control and try to view it differently. For example, you might replace "I failed in exam because I get nervous during important tests" with "I did not take steps to manage my anxiety".
5.) Once you have completed the step 4, create a new list of action items that are within your control.


TREATMENT C: Take Responsibility and Own the Fear
Although it is tempting to make excuses about failure, doing so prevents us from learning the many useful lessons it can teach us. Worse, the more we deny the responsibility we might have, the most likely we are to feel as though situation is outside our control.
One of the most effective ways to remove the emotional sting of failures is to joke about them when it is possible or appropriate to do so. By verbalizing our fears in jokes form we make it necessary for our minds to express them unconsciously and in self-defeating ways.
One group of people who regularly practice laughing about their failures is stand-up comedians.


Performance pressure can increase test anxiety, it can make us choke at crucial moments, and it can drain our attention with worries about conforming to stereotypes. To treat the psychological wounds of performance pressure we have to fight fire with fire.

1. WHISTLE WHILE YOU CHOKE
Whistling can prevent us from overthinking the kinds of automatic tasks we have done many times before and then choking as a result. The reason this works is that once we are focused on the task at hand, whistling requires just enough additional attention to leave none left over for overthinking.

2. MUMBING TO YOURSELF DURING AN EXAM DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE CRAZY
Test anxiety can strike us even when we are well prepared, hampering our ability to focus during exam time.
We therefore need to do two things :
i) quell our anxiety
This will require us to sacrifice a tiny bit of exam time to calm ourselves down. Put your pen down, focus on your breathing for one minute. As you inhale and exhale, count to three.
ii) regain our focus
We need to redirect our attention back to the task at hand and we need to prevent our mind from worrying about how well or poorly we are doing and the implications of it.

NEUTRALIZE THE STEREOTYPE
When we are reminded of negative stereotypes about our gender, race, ethnicity or other group, it can trigger a subconscious worry about conforming to these stereotypes that can prevent us from giving our full attention to the task at hand. The best medicine in such situations is to neutralize such worries by affirming our self-worth.
Of course, stereotype threat does not affect everyone, but the lower our confidence the more likely we are to become distracted by such concerns when reminders of them are present.
If you feel you might be susceptible to such worries, take time before the exam to write a brief essay about an aspect of your character you value highly and about which you feel confident and proud. 

ow we deal with failure is crucial to our success in life as well as to our general happiness and well being.